Monday, February 13, 2012

Death Day

Today is  my son's death day.  There is no other way to describe what today is.  When we are born, we have a birth day, a day to be celebrated.  To say that today is the anniversary of the day he died makes it seems so meaningless when that day had a very highly profound impact on my family.  So I call it his death day.

There are two days that had the most profound impact on my life -- the day I became a mother through the birth of my son and the day he died. 

I don't want his death day to be filled with sadness and sorrow, although I am sad.  Time does not heal all wounds, it just covers them up and leaves scars.  I am blessed to have been Jeremy's mom and to have had him in my life, if even for a short time.  His sisters and I love him and miss him.  We remember the good times and the bad.  But mostly we just wish he was still here with us to share in our lives and living his own.

And so, today, I remember Jeremy's baby face when he was born, the joy of holding him and counting his fingers and toes for the first time, his baby smell and how he wouldn't go to sleep at night when he was a baby.  I remember him fighting with his younger sisters and protecting them at the same time.  I remember how he didn't like people to see him smile, so he hid it all the time.  He was both a pain in the ass and a sweetheart. 

Jeremy would have especially loved that Jaime married Mark.  He would have loved his nephews and nieces.  He would really love Dani's Misty and her family.

I would give everything I have to have my son back, but that will not happen.  I used to listen for his footsteps coming up the sidewalk rush to answer the phone hoping he would be on the other end and search for his face in crowds.  Now I see him in my dreams now and then.

Until we meet again the Summerlands, my beloved son...