Happy Birthday! Tomorrow would have been your 31st birthday, had you stayed on this earth long enough. I truly wish you had, that we would be celebrating your special day together with a birthday cake (made by me, of course), your favorite meal and maybe a beer to wash it down.
I wonder, had you still been alive, what you would have done with your life in the past nine years since your last birthday on this earth. Would you have survived Iraq? Would you have come home wounded and worn, as so many have? Would you have gone back to finish school? You were so good at working on computers and I know you would have been great doing something related to technology.
Would you have married and had children?
Sometimes, in quiet moments, I imagine I can hear your footsteps walking up the driveway to visit or imagine what it would be like to pick up the phone when it rings and hear your voice on the other end: "Hello, Mother..." as you always did when you called.
I don't cry so much anymore, except on those days like tonight and tomorrow, when I remember your birth. 31 years ago tonight I was in labor with you, my little Thanksgiving baby (because you were born the day after Thanksgiving that year) who stole my heart and wrapped me around your cute little baby fingers. The first chance I had to be alone with you in the hospital, I unwrapped your from your swaddling blankets and counted every single finger and toe and checked over every inch of your body to make sure all the required body parts where there. Then I swaddled you back up and held you close, feeling the baby soft hair on the back of your head on my lips as I softly kissed your head. Your baby smell has stayed with me my whole life.
I miss you, my pain in the ass son who loved to torture and tease me and your sisters. I miss your smile, your laugh, your sense of humor and even arguing with you. I miss those horrible Jenco jeans you loved to wear and that darn Curt Cobain T-shirt you wouldn't take off. I swear, that thing could have gotten up and walked on its own, it was so dirty!
The last time I saw you in my dreams, I asked you what it was like on the other side of this life and you told me "It's just different" then you went away. Come to see me soon, in dreamland, it's been so very long.
Happy Birthday, my darling son.
I love you for ever and ever,